By Dee Wakashaka
I don’t mean to sound acerbically obnoxious, but some of you tumbavuz ought to know the candid truth. If you don’t have anything of importance to say, are not relieving me of sexual tension, replenishing my wallet or buying me a drink, then don’t bother calling me at 6pm on a FRIO!
You intellectual dwarfs, forget that this is the eleventh hour, when all that is on many people’s minds is plot, next plot and more plot. So as a refresher, let me share with you a memo you missed titled ‘Approach to the weekend’;
- Don’t be calling me with an update of your week’s achievements. Haven’t you heard of memoirs? At the moment, my brain is in parte after parte mode and so I am not interested in your muwawa!
- Then you have daughters of Eve, mbu I was just checking on you! Woman, are you a doctor now? I am dying to get sexually violated psheeeh! Try your talents elsewhere!
- As for my married friends, I love you, but please save me your Sunday lunch invites. This is a time when my dopamine is raging out of control and the last thing I need to listen to, is your wifey drama and kids this and that kaboozi! I am craving for things which are either frosty or meaty… pun intended!
- Hola only when you have a crazy adventurous night out, plot in the red light district, brothel to explore my sexual fantasies or the beach, where I can replenish my brain with huchi mama varieties. Oba kabawo, bowlegged, bleached, stretch marked… just come to the real daddy!
- Then you have the mafene who kubanja you on a Frio! Wasomela wa fala gwe? Money matters come up midweek, that way I get to plan in advance! Waaka wambwa!
Over the weekend, I bumped into a bunch of buddies at a popular hang-out after a long time and it was bloody I must say. Even before the usual niceties, I was ordered to down a tequila shot, mbu starter. Then the games began, ehh, if alcohol companies were to give out awards, we most definitely would have prevailed. The table was literally gaging, with alcohol varieties to an extent that the next table reeked of jealousy. It couldn’t believe all the favours its bro was getting.
Next thing I remember, was being awakened by the askari, in the parking lot memory loss… finished!